sometimes it feels like my heart is about to burst out of its cage & that's when i find there's no other option than to create something. whether it is painting, drawing, designing, songwriting, or simply putting thoughts into words... so, i created this blog.
have you ever had the feeling that the unique perspective & talent that you were meant to have, has been buried under the weight of the everyday life? the road you unintentionally paved over your hopes & dreams has brought you to some strange place where you wake up one day & wonder where the crow's feet around your eyes & larger pants size came from...
everyday you set out on that to do list, get the job done, eat dinner, care for the family & home & go to bed just to start the cycle over again.
but every so often i have to stop. this tension arises, & i feel it deep in my chest. it reminds me of the ongoing struggle within my heart to keep everything going- keep the household in order, be that stereotypical good mom, good wife, good friend.... or find out what it is that my soul is truly craving. this unlocked space in my being that desires to unleash unbridled creativity & beauty & reflect everything wonderful about the kingdom of God. ...but then again sometimes, i am just tired. tired of having to make decisions, tired of money, expenses & having to just get by.
i suppose it comes back to the balance of living in this world & desiring the next. working to pay the bills while longing for the life filled with miracles, signs & wonders. i know we were created to live in the presence of God, but what does that look like & can that really be attained here on earth?
sometimes it feels like getting older is inevitably synonymous with prioritizing fiscal responsibility over some of the things that often bring far greater & long lasting joy. i'm tired of feeding the system of bills, taxes, healthcare, blah blah blah. i will because i don't want to get into trouble with the law that God has allowed to rule, but i feel like i've lost some of who i was before all of it seemed so important.
i remember how i used to be much more adventurous. go exploring, camping, have spontaneous fun with friends, play music & worship till the wee hours of the morning. there was something that was placed in all of our hearts before we were born to long for the authentic life we were meant to lead...
how do we get back to that? how do we allow the hardpacked layers of mediocrity, failure, misadventure & weariness to break forth into new life?
i don't know yet... but, i want to believe that it's possible.
